Anonymity

Anonymity, what a concept? I mean to have complete isolation from an ugly world! Well, maybe just it's ugly inhabitants! Imagine a world full of lush greens, almost daily sunshine, exotic creatures, warm weather, blue ocean, beautiful mountains, and smiling faces! That was my world growing up in Haiti! I remember the mountains, waterfalls, envied weather, clean air, beautiful beaches, sweet mangoes, coconut trees, and of course, the non-stop exchange of humor with my siblings. The only sadness that gripped my heart was the absence of my parents because they were in the states. If I had a choice and my beautiful native land didn't become a war zone, I would choose to go back home to relive those wonderful memories. However, reality reminds me that I live in a world where a little girl's innocent wish will not become a grown woman's dream come true.

Education in Love

Love is an enigma without rules or regulations it can change its course at will. There are days when I am certain that I have love figured out and the key to lasting happiness is around the corner, but then, there are those days where I'm not certain of anything. A wise person once told me that God is love and as long as I know Him then I am loved! What does that mean? I have a relationship with God but am having a hard time feeling loved because of grief. How long will I mourn a love that does not exist in this world? As an eternal romantic, I have these illusions about a phenomenal love that only exist in the stars? A love that makes no sense to anyone unless they too, are a Pisces! My search is in vain because it does not come with answers. I consider myself to be the epitome of a true Pisces; an altruist, lover, dreamer, deeply empathetic, gentle, patient, and inspirational. As a Pisces I am deeply affected by and completely absorbed into my environment. I am generous, amiable, positive natured, I possess a deep sense of kindness and compassion. I am highly tuned in to everything around me including the feelings of others. So, with all of these wonderful attributes, why does love continue to elude me?

Inner Light

"You are educated when you have the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or self-confidence."--Robert Frost

Wow, this quote reminds me of so many moments when I watched someone lose their temper over a simple matter! I mean honestly this quote is on point with several situations where someone would fly off the handle in a great haste to take center stage. How can you take center stage if you are not the star? God bless them all, but it was truly a pathetic sight watching some people in my life trying to down play my exuberance in order to shine. Your light will only shine if it exist! One cannot awaken a dormant quality through humiliation of a friend! I never felt the need to put anyone on blast because I didn't need to, my confidence wouldn't allow it. I do not possess jealousy because I do not feel that anyone in my life is wealthier than I am. Wealth is a matter of perspective and inner security. I have the ability to make the best of what I'm handed and continue to walk with optimism.

Essentials

All I need is to breath
The air feels so good
My legs feel so light
New pep in my step
I have a glide in my stride
All I need is to breath
My children are healthy
Man oh man God is good
In the darkness I stood
But my days are much brighter
I remain glorious with laughter
Life's no longer so bleak
The Lord reminded me I'm unique
With renewed vision
I'm free from wicked incisions
Now that I have made my decision

Self-centered

About two weeks ago, a good friend and I were discussing the nature of being self-centered and what causes a person to be that way. I began posing some questions to myself. Questions that I felt might help me better understand why people are so narcissistic. Are most people really just in it for self because they are caught up with their own mortality/vanity or is there more to the story? I asked questions like; is it a cry for attention? Is it a lack of strength and personal integrity? Is it realizing that you are a fraud and everyone can see it? Is it fear of non-acceptance due to low self-esteem? Is it trying to measure up and falling short and also realizing that you must go to extremes to prove your self-worth? I think it is a little bit of everything but mostly a lack of identity!!! People are so caught up with self that they miss out on some of the most wonderful things that life has to offer. Things that are fleeting and only come around once. Moments that make a life lasting impact. Life offers so much beauty but if you are too busy looking in the mirror you will miss them! To me, simply sharing a coffee and wisdom with my mom is very important. Talking on the phone late at night with a dear friend just because things feel eerie is important! Sharing wonderful waterfall pictures with a dear friend from across the country is important. Reading my older sister's silly fart text message is important! My brother calling me from across the universe just to say that he loves me is important! Calling my best friend up in California and hearing his whimsical laugh is important! My ex-husband talking to me about our kids and their future happiness is important! Listening to my sister rap over the phone is important! Swapping Haitian humor with my fellow Haitians, oh so important! Watching the sun set on a beautiful spring day is important! Watching the waves crash on the Oregon coast so beautiful! Sharing a well cooked candle lit dinner with a significant other that is followed by slow dancing is so magical! Finally, hearing my children laugh wholeheartedly upstairs in their room is sooooo very important! Am I self-centered, only if you ask a complete stranger who's looking at my focused look? I walk proudly and with strength, I have a focused look and a confident stride, but I never forget to catch a beautiful moment in time!

Vanity

How fair are thee truly?
When your looks start to fade and your body loses its shape
How fair are thee truly?
When your eyes start to blur and your speech starts to slur
How fair are thee truly?
When your hair starts to fall and your bones become brittle
How fair are thee truly?
When your memory has faded and you start acting insane
How fair are thee truly?
When your legs cannot travel the distance but your mind is insistent
How fair are thee truly?
When your loved ones are gone and you're left all alone
How fair are thee truly?

The Human Perspective

The human perspective can be somewhat skewed when it comes to love and relationships and the obsticle courses involved. For example, the male perspective, is to wait things out and feel their way through what could be something worthwhile; all the while missing out on something that is very real and full of potential. The female perspective, for the most part, is to feel with the heart, emotions, feelings, intensity, passion, compassion, colloquialism, in other words, ladies and gents," L.O.V.E". Does that mean that we, as men and women, will never understand each other on a fundamental level? I think that life's lessons serve most of us well enough to recognize the difference between the real and the imaginary, lust from love!! Unfortunately, it is never that cut and dry...for most people, the romantics, (myself), we find it hard to fit into any relationship norms. Society has so many standards regarding gender roles and behaviors that at times it becomes a matter of morale versus individual happiness. What makes some of us happy doesn't neccessarily prove to be a fairy tale story for others. Some people may need many cohorts and concubines to find the slight bit of satisfaction or a sense of being loved. I, on the other hand, have this irritating habit of giving unmitigated loyalty, and invariably fall for the wrong men!!! My irrating habit is usually followed by this nagging sense of companionship, unity through marriage and strong commitments that always end up blowing up in my face. Why was I raised with this primitive sense of one man for one woman? That kind of thinking is not conducive to modern society...it has me all torn up about my approach to relationship! It seems that everyone else has a much easier time at dating than I do, I'm always overanalyzing my significant other's reactions to my approach!!! What I keep finding out is, men are simplistic creatures when it comes to dating. They do not require much to be happy, whereas, women need way too much in order to be sustained in the relationship. We need romance, travel, constant courtship, passionate lovemaking, chores done right, cooked for, massages on a daily, constant attention, to be complimented promptly, to have meaningful conversations, to be the center of a man's world. Um...again, I say, "MEN ARE SIMPLISTIC"!!! How can we expect so much from someone who just wants to come home, watch TV, eat some food and just relax? It beckons the question...when it comes to relationships, are all women emotional pack rats, hauling too much luggage?

Emotional Pack Rat

Okay, in my last blog, I called women "emotional pack rats". If women are emotional pack rats, are men the proverbial storage units of unresolved emotions? I mean let's face it, men are not the most forthcoming when it comes to expressing feelings...as society deems it a sign of weakness when a man does express his feelings of hurt and pain. Society considers it a female characteristic to express any emotion outside of anger. Hence, the balance in the male/ female relationship runs on a vertigo imbalance!!! Now, why is it that men start crying and complaining when women are placed on the slightest measure of equality in sports, politics, global affairs, business ventures, or social status? Basing their discontent on the unfairness of the protocol that dictates those possibilities!!! GENTLEMEN, PLEASE SAVE YOUR TEARS FOR REAL SORROWS; like war, famine, disease, racism, sexism, criminal and social injustice, terrorism, corporate take overs, unethical business practices...I can go on!!! Cry for disappointing your mother for not living up to your full potential as a man. Cry for not being all that you can be as a husband, father, brother and son!!! Cry for not being able to look up to the heavens without fear of judgement, pity, lowered self-value, and being lost. Cry for being full of desolation compounded by isolation. Cry for not fearing HIS name enough to do what you were put on this earth to do; improve, bring joy, laughter, unity, happiness, loyalty and LOVE. More importantly, cry for being afraid to love and be loved in return!!! Love is the most powerful emotion/feeling and those who welcome it are blessed beyond measure. Why would anyone choose not to experience the greatest high left in this world? Better yet, why would anyone deny love and then infect their body with poisonous substances just to feel a temporary high that substitutes that feeling? Love is always there and it is up to us to grab hold with all of our might and never let go?

Nebulous Thoughts on Life

Lately, I've been finding myself reflecting on the past. Invariably, such reflections also come with the pain of disappointment and failure. Oddly enough it is exactly what caused my epiphany of self actualization and growth.

In hindsight, working through life's problems also means looking within and seeing what makes us tick. Unfortunately, facing myself and making an honest assessment of my imperfections, is about as comfortable as a rectal probing. I mean let's face it, most of us would rather go through life vainly believing that we are perfect just the way we are!! Truth be told, I'm guilty of it myself. With the passing of another year and realizing that growth only comes with admitance of imperfections I've come to the conclusion that I must acknowledge every flaw and work on changing them. Unfortunately, having been who I am all of my life, I also realize that baby steps will be the way to go about change!

How do I go about change without knowing where to start? A key question that I've been nebulously approching. I know what I need to work on, my reluctance is not acceptance but whether or not I can deal with the old me when the new me is a result of life's battles!! Despite all the drastic changes that I've undergone my personality is like a microorganism that cannot be easily defined.

Respect

The dictionary definition of respect: esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability. We all know what it is but don't necessarily know how to exercise it with self or others.


The reason I picked respect is ironic. Before I even logged on to this blog I was having a conversation with a friend about just that, RESPECT! In particular respect for self in a relationship. The conversation arose because in relating to one another as people; Black, White, Asian or Hispanic, we will always misconstrue things because of cultural differences and indifference. Some of us are more passionate about issues of race relations because we have to be since we are highly impacted by it! Those who remain indifferent are the privileged ones without a need to think about race relations or its impact on them.

My incident occurred because a male friend thought he was being funny and wanted to make me laugh by sending me some objectionable emails of things I felt to be way inappropriate. My (white) friend told me that a (black male) friend of hers was making some obnoxious remarks that she found to be offensive but not his girlfriend (white girl). My remark was that this girl is in part, the reason why some black women do not respect the validity of interracial dating. Women like that continue to promote the black man's inability to grow and be a better man. He finds comfort in the simple headed white girl willing to put up with his less than desirable qualities that no self respecting black woman would put up with! There is nothing wrong with two people getting together because they are genuinely feeling each other and invariably end up falling in love! The problem lies in the cold fact that there are some black men out there running for the safety of such white women because they do not want or desire growth. By the same token, there are white women willing to deal with black men like that just to prove that they are the almighty queen B...with the LOOK AT ME I HAVE A BLACK MAN ON MY ARMS ATTITUDE!! Honestly, that kind of shit is just sickening...respect for self also means upholding everyone in your life to a higher standard of treatment towards self! How can you claim to respect your self when you allow your mate to disrespect you or those you care about? I guess my Caribbean roots just won't allow me to accept that kind of behavior! I told my male friend never dare send me such offensive emails or we don't need to talk! Oh well, if that shit hurt his feelings! Men (especially the black man) need to think about their approach towards women. They are already targets of legal injustice all around, they need to carry respect for self most of all! It shows plain as day when a black man respects himself for he will not find any humor in disrespecting women (no matter their color) because of his mother, grandmother, sister, auntie, and wife! As for me, no man will disrespect me without feeling my wrath and eventually the coldness of my back turned to them...

When it comes to traditions in dating, should the year dictate your approach?

During the 1950s men and women could pal around as friends, go skiing together, and there was "never any hanky panky". Nice thing about the 50s was that the boys always picked up the tab, whether they were dining out or swishing down the slopes at Mammoth Week-ends, folks back then always had a date; the man would call up the woman and say something like "Say, how about going out with me on Saturday night for a steak?" If this invitation was accepted, then the man paid for the steak too.

Okay, so the 50s are long gone and a lot of things have changed! It seems that men have gotten lazy in love thanks to the great inventions of the remote control, gable and satellite TV, laptops, IPods, video games and so on…

With all of these distractions, does the year we live in dictate the way a man courts a woman?

Recently, a man that I’m dating told me this is not the 70s (that is a long time ago for him since he is 25) we should be 50/50 in everything including diner, movies, and even meeting each other half way for the date. The response came after I refuse to meet him half way for a date.

Call me old fashioned, but I feel that a date should come with anticipation/excitement that can only be experienced when a savvy gentleman comes to your door holding flowers.

I mean really, meet him…how lazy is that?! What the hell happened to chivalry? It’s not dead; it’s stuck under a lazy man’s ass sitting on the couch watching television!!

Forgive my blunt reaction, but I don’t believe that courting a woman has anything to do with the changing of the times since romance itself is timeless. What roles men and women play in romance should not be debatable!! Hell, we debate each other everywhere else…let’s leave it out of the romance.

The argument is whether or not we should compromise our expectations in the beginning by forgoing traditional style based on the trends of the times. The paradox then lies somewhere between modern trends and traditional practices of courtship.

1950, 1970, or 2008…should the year we live in dictate the way we treat each other as friends/lovers/husband & wife? I say NO, the only difference should be the amount of effort placed forth. I think it should also depend on the strength of the roles that we play in each other’s lives for example; husband & wife relationships should merit the most effort.


I believe that properly courting a woman in the beginning will ensure a stronger bond in a future relationship…your lady will marvel in the fact that you’ve romanced her with such care. Nostalgia is great assurance in forming a strong relationship. Quite often it is the effect of dating a romantic man who lives by a gentleman’s code. A good man will provide lasting romantic gestures along with devotion in order to capture a woman’s heart. In fact, properly done it will procure the good stuff that stirs butterflies and giddiness in a woman!

It seems to me that our divorce rates are high because our values are low. Our gender roles have become skewed because we are placing less importance on the foundation of our relationships and more on what’s viewed as modern practices of keeping up with “the Joneses”. Sometimes I wish I could click my heels three times and go back to an era where romance was well and alive in the hearts of men (but being black I probably would’t enjoy it much in the 50s) a story left for another time! Because of our roles in business practices that place men and women on a vertigo imbalance both genders have become jaded. Unfortunately, this cynicism has spilled into our romantic lives.
Personally, I think when comes to dating there should be no barriers against traditional methods (the flowery stuff hasn't gotten old with women despite what men choose to believe!!). Men have gotten lazy (thanks to modern technology) thusly women have given up on the idea of a night in shiny armor coming to sweep them off their feet!! A true gentleman should want to treat his lady with valiant care and she in turn will fulfill his needs. It is a continued give and take…not take and take but it does start with a gentleman’s approach.

A woman can be as strong and forward thinking as any man but will leave her armor behind when dealing with HER MAN because she will remember that he is her knight. After all, men seek the same things as women, LOVE, RESPECT AND UNDERSTANDING!
When it comes to relationships I'm a traditional woman at heart. I guess growing up and watching how well my brothers treated their significant others, I expect no less for myself!! I agree that things should be 50/50 in terms of sharing the load, but only when two people are past the courting stage and well into a relationship.With such a high failure rate in relationships these days perhaps both men and women are reluctant to give too much of themselves because they want to safeguard themselves from pain. We are all seeking love and romance but with the changes in our views we have also forgotten that the mystery of lasting love lies in the courtship itself, to gain access to it we must let down our guards. We can still maintain the mystery by holding on to some secrets.