Inner Light

"You are educated when you have the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or self-confidence."--Robert Frost

Wow, this quote reminds me of so many moments when I watched someone lose their temper over a simple matter! I mean honestly this quote is on point with several situations where someone would fly off the handle in a great haste to take center stage. How can you take center stage if you are not the star? God bless them all, but it was truly a pathetic sight watching some people in my life trying to down play my exuberance in order to shine. Your light will only shine if it exist! One cannot awaken a dormant quality through humiliation of a friend! I never felt the need to put anyone on blast because I didn't need to, my confidence wouldn't allow it. I do not possess jealousy because I do not feel that anyone in my life is wealthier than I am. Wealth is a matter of perspective and inner security. I have the ability to make the best of what I'm handed and continue to walk with optimism.

Essentials

All I need is to breath
The air feels so good
My legs feel so light
New pep in my step
I have a glide in my stride
All I need is to breath
My children are healthy
Man oh man God is good
In the darkness I stood
But my days are much brighter
I remain glorious with laughter
Life's no longer so bleak
The Lord reminded me I'm unique
With renewed vision
I'm free from wicked incisions
Now that I have made my decision

Self-centered

About two weeks ago, a good friend and I were discussing the nature of being self-centered and what causes a person to be that way. I began posing some questions to myself. Questions that I felt might help me better understand why people are so narcissistic. Are most people really just in it for self because they are caught up with their own mortality/vanity or is there more to the story? I asked questions like; is it a cry for attention? Is it a lack of strength and personal integrity? Is it realizing that you are a fraud and everyone can see it? Is it fear of non-acceptance due to low self-esteem? Is it trying to measure up and falling short and also realizing that you must go to extremes to prove your self-worth? I think it is a little bit of everything but mostly a lack of identity!!! People are so caught up with self that they miss out on some of the most wonderful things that life has to offer. Things that are fleeting and only come around once. Moments that make a life lasting impact. Life offers so much beauty but if you are too busy looking in the mirror you will miss them! To me, simply sharing a coffee and wisdom with my mom is very important. Talking on the phone late at night with a dear friend just because things feel eerie is important! Sharing wonderful waterfall pictures with a dear friend from across the country is important. Reading my older sister's silly fart text message is important! My brother calling me from across the universe just to say that he loves me is important! Calling my best friend up in California and hearing his whimsical laugh is important! My ex-husband talking to me about our kids and their future happiness is important! Listening to my sister rap over the phone is important! Swapping Haitian humor with my fellow Haitians, oh so important! Watching the sun set on a beautiful spring day is important! Watching the waves crash on the Oregon coast so beautiful! Sharing a well cooked candle lit dinner with a significant other that is followed by slow dancing is so magical! Finally, hearing my children laugh wholeheartedly upstairs in their room is sooooo very important! Am I self-centered, only if you ask a complete stranger who's looking at my focused look? I walk proudly and with strength, I have a focused look and a confident stride, but I never forget to catch a beautiful moment in time!

Vanity

How fair are thee truly?
When your looks start to fade and your body loses its shape
How fair are thee truly?
When your eyes start to blur and your speech starts to slur
How fair are thee truly?
When your hair starts to fall and your bones become brittle
How fair are thee truly?
When your memory has faded and you start acting insane
How fair are thee truly?
When your legs cannot travel the distance but your mind is insistent
How fair are thee truly?
When your loved ones are gone and you're left all alone
How fair are thee truly?

The Human Perspective

The human perspective can be somewhat skewed when it comes to love and relationships and the obsticle courses involved. For example, the male perspective, is to wait things out and feel their way through what could be something worthwhile; all the while missing out on something that is very real and full of potential. The female perspective, for the most part, is to feel with the heart, emotions, feelings, intensity, passion, compassion, colloquialism, in other words, ladies and gents," L.O.V.E". Does that mean that we, as men and women, will never understand each other on a fundamental level? I think that life's lessons serve most of us well enough to recognize the difference between the real and the imaginary, lust from love!! Unfortunately, it is never that cut and dry...for most people, the romantics, (myself), we find it hard to fit into any relationship norms. Society has so many standards regarding gender roles and behaviors that at times it becomes a matter of morale versus individual happiness. What makes some of us happy doesn't neccessarily prove to be a fairy tale story for others. Some people may need many cohorts and concubines to find the slight bit of satisfaction or a sense of being loved. I, on the other hand, have this irritating habit of giving unmitigated loyalty, and invariably fall for the wrong men!!! My irrating habit is usually followed by this nagging sense of companionship, unity through marriage and strong commitments that always end up blowing up in my face. Why was I raised with this primitive sense of one man for one woman? That kind of thinking is not conducive to modern society...it has me all torn up about my approach to relationship! It seems that everyone else has a much easier time at dating than I do, I'm always overanalyzing my significant other's reactions to my approach!!! What I keep finding out is, men are simplistic creatures when it comes to dating. They do not require much to be happy, whereas, women need way too much in order to be sustained in the relationship. We need romance, travel, constant courtship, passionate lovemaking, chores done right, cooked for, massages on a daily, constant attention, to be complimented promptly, to have meaningful conversations, to be the center of a man's world. Um...again, I say, "MEN ARE SIMPLISTIC"!!! How can we expect so much from someone who just wants to come home, watch TV, eat some food and just relax? It beckons the question...when it comes to relationships, are all women emotional pack rats, hauling too much luggage?

Emotional Pack Rat

Okay, in my last blog, I called women "emotional pack rats". If women are emotional pack rats, are men the proverbial storage units of unresolved emotions? I mean let's face it, men are not the most forthcoming when it comes to expressing feelings...as society deems it a sign of weakness when a man does express his feelings of hurt and pain. Society considers it a female characteristic to express any emotion outside of anger. Hence, the balance in the male/ female relationship runs on a vertigo imbalance!!! Now, why is it that men start crying and complaining when women are placed on the slightest measure of equality in sports, politics, global affairs, business ventures, or social status? Basing their discontent on the unfairness of the protocol that dictates those possibilities!!! GENTLEMEN, PLEASE SAVE YOUR TEARS FOR REAL SORROWS; like war, famine, disease, racism, sexism, criminal and social injustice, terrorism, corporate take overs, unethical business practices...I can go on!!! Cry for disappointing your mother for not living up to your full potential as a man. Cry for not being all that you can be as a husband, father, brother and son!!! Cry for not being able to look up to the heavens without fear of judgement, pity, lowered self-value, and being lost. Cry for being full of desolation compounded by isolation. Cry for not fearing HIS name enough to do what you were put on this earth to do; improve, bring joy, laughter, unity, happiness, loyalty and LOVE. More importantly, cry for being afraid to love and be loved in return!!! Love is the most powerful emotion/feeling and those who welcome it are blessed beyond measure. Why would anyone choose not to experience the greatest high left in this world? Better yet, why would anyone deny love and then infect their body with poisonous substances just to feel a temporary high that substitutes that feeling? Love is always there and it is up to us to grab hold with all of our might and never let go?

Nebulous Thoughts on Life

Lately, I've been finding myself reflecting on the past. Invariably, such reflections also come with the pain of disappointment and failure. Oddly enough it is exactly what caused my epiphany of self actualization and growth.

In hindsight, working through life's problems also means looking within and seeing what makes us tick. Unfortunately, facing myself and making an honest assessment of my imperfections, is about as comfortable as a rectal probing. I mean let's face it, most of us would rather go through life vainly believing that we are perfect just the way we are!! Truth be told, I'm guilty of it myself. With the passing of another year and realizing that growth only comes with admitance of imperfections I've come to the conclusion that I must acknowledge every flaw and work on changing them. Unfortunately, having been who I am all of my life, I also realize that baby steps will be the way to go about change!

How do I go about change without knowing where to start? A key question that I've been nebulously approching. I know what I need to work on, my reluctance is not acceptance but whether or not I can deal with the old me when the new me is a result of life's battles!! Despite all the drastic changes that I've undergone my personality is like a microorganism that cannot be easily defined.